Now this is a good birth plan!

I just thought I would share this. It is absolutely great! I imagine each mama would get much closer to her ideal birth if she took this approach...

We will be using hypnosis during this birthing and have as our goal a natural, non-medicated birth, complete with tweeting blue birds and Louis Armstrong singing "It's a Wonderful World" in the background. We ask for no interventions to be performed, no matter how minor, without prior informed consent by me and/or my husband. We sincerely thank all hospital staff involved in assisting with our birth in advance for your support and encouragement.

Have a brownie! I made 'em from scratch.

If there are no medical contraindications, the following is our ideal birth plan:

HYDRATION

I plan to hydrate myself with water or other liquids by mouth (excepting vodka), and am willing to accept a heparin lock placement if y'all would prefer that. I request IV use occur ONLY in the event of a complicating factor, and ONLY with my (or my husband's, if I'm unconscious for some odd reason) prior informed consent.

MOVEMENT OF MOTHER

I prefer to move around freely during my birthing time, stand on my head, or assume any other positions I find comfortable.

MONITORING

I prefer external monitoring to be performed sporadically when necessary (20 min. per hour), but not continuously. Internal monitoring to be used only in a life-threatening situation and upon our prior informed consent.

ROOM ENVIRONMENT
Please do NOT report dilation centimeters out loud (or even whisper them), but it's okay to send hand or smoke signals to my husband and mother.

The use of hypnosis is supported by dimmed lighting, quiet voices, soft music, positive statements, and angels and fairies flitting about.

Please refrain from scaring me to death: i.e. asking how excruciating my pain is, telling me what I will feel ("Hang on, honey, this is gonna hurt like hell..."), or telling me how a certain phase or intervention will be experienced. I am very suggestible even when not in hypnosis and need all the help I can get to keep myself planted in my own little dreamy hypnosis zone.

Please do not discuss cervical dilation progress/lack of progress, (including the numbers of centimeters of dilation) while in the room with me. Knowing these numbers could completely depress me and ruin my optimistic outlook for the idealic birth I have my heart set on. In most situations, I advocate for full disclosure of all facts, but with first stage labor, ignorance is my friend, at least until I scream, "I've got to poop!"


VAGINAL EXAMS

As much as I enjoy vaginal exams, I prefer to limit them during the course of this birthing to the following situations:

1. An exam upon admission to the hospital seems appropriate so we all know where we are in this epic adventure together, and to ensure that I am, in fact, in the throes of actual birthing,

2. If progress appears to have seriously stalled, and

3. Upon the desire to push, to be sure I'm not trying to force a grapefruit through a straw.

PLEASE DO NOT STRIP MY FRAGILE LITTLE MEMBRANES DURING ANY ROUTINE VAGINAL EXAM WITHOUT TALKING TO ME FIRST.

MANAGEMENT OF LABOR

I prefer to allow the birth to proceed on its own course naturally, assuming no complications. If an increase in oxytocin becomes necessary, I prefer to try natural methods of stimulation (the fun, aerobic, and sexual ones) before being poked with a needle full of pitocin, or stripping or rupturing my membranes.

Please do not offer drugs for pain management. If we want them, you will know.

PUSHING

I hope to emerge from this birthing experience without varicose veins all over my face. I plan to push in the way my ancestors of long ago pushed, hopeful that this inherent knowledge has not been completely cleansed from my collective unconscious and genetic code. Please do not coach my pushing unless I am failing miserably on my own.

PERINEAL MASSAGE

I'd love midwife/nursing assistance with warm compresses and oil massage of the perineum during crowning and birth. Peeled grapes and a handsome Greek god fanning me with a palm leaf would be okay, too. Of course I want to avoid an episiotomy. Who wouldn't?

THE BIRTH

Please allow my baby to birth without pulling or turning his or her head. If those pesky shoulders are stuck, I'd like to try changing my position before twisting the baby's neck like a pretzel.

Charlie wants to catch the little "guy," and Charlie wants to cut the umbilical cord too, which hopefully won't be clamped or cut until the cord stops pulsating.

We are dying to meet this kid. Please let us fawn over "it" for a while (up to two hours) before whisking it off for newborn procedures (bathing, eye drops, measurements, etc.). Of course, we are breastfeeding. No one with a birth plan like this one would feed his or her kid formula.

PLACENTA
Please do not yank on the umbilical cord with the delivery of the placenta, but do feel free to toss it after it is all out. I waive the right to fry it up and eat it. Thanks.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR HELPING US TO HAVE A SAFE, JOYFUL, AND WALDORF-APPROVED BIRTHING EXPERIENCE.